I have been struggling to find my purpose and identity for years and it never occurred to me that by surrounding myself with people and things that I love, I’d eventually find what I’ve been looking for. I admit, I am not good at many things and I try to excel with what I can get my hands on. My mother signed me up in a ballet class when I was five but after a few months, she had to pull me out because of a misunderstanding. I used to play the piano when I was twelve and eventually learned how to play the guitar but as the days passed by, I’ve grown tired of practicing and started to lose interest in reading the notes. I wish I had the enthusiasm and energy to finish what I started back then so maybe, I might have something that I can be proud of today.
Then, I found my glory in film and photography. I took up film in college to study and master the art of filmmaking. Four years have passed and looking back, I must say it was one hell of a ride. I had ups and downs, good days and bad days, lazy and productive ones. I miss the early call time and the late pack ups. One time on those days, I was short of money and had to sell a precious gift I received from my father, my first DSLR, for a cheaper price and I regret doing it. But in this life, I just have to accept what it is. When you lose something, you crave for its presence.
I thought I already knew where I was going and I have figured out what I want to do but I found myself lost *again*. I found myself holding on to nothing. I found myself revisiting the past asking so many “what ifs?” and thinking of the should’ve/would’ve/could’ve moments. I made myself a home in the past. The ‘now’ always affect me because I always look for ‘then’. And I am constantly reminding myself to accept what I couldn’t take back from what I have lost and be content with the ‘now’. For days, I was trying to look for a direction. I thought this feeling will wear off but it didn’t.
I found myself revisiting the past asking so many “what ifs?” and thinking of the should’ve/would’ve/could’ve moments.
The next thing I knew, I was ignoring all the messages from my friends, phone calls, job interviews and opportunities. I was stuck on a routine and I was afraid to break it. I cancel the plans I made with my friends a month before the event the last minute. I stopped writing, listening to music, reading books, and talking to my friends. I only leave the house if I have errands to do. Two weeks ago, I was set to attend a job interview. I woke up around 6 in the morning but I felt this fear in my belly. Anxiety won that day. I was contemplating over my morning coffee and I thought about ending this thing by doing the scariest and saddest thing.
I don’t want to say it out loud or write it because I am scared. I lost all the will to live that day. I just wanted to disappear. But it’s the thought of leaving that makes me want to stay just a little bit longer. I cried the whole day and didn’t talk to anyone. The only thing that made me smile that day was our dog and the season premiere of my favorite tv show. If you’re thinking about “Hm, maybe it’s just the hormones”. I thought about that too. But we’re wrong. The reason behind this breakdown is far greater than just hormones acting up.
The truth is, I have anxiety and depression. I’ve never talked about how I struggle emotionally to anyone. I have never told anything to my family. The thought of it is depressing itself. I don’t want to believe it at first and you’d probably question “how can you have one if you haven’t been to the doctor to be diagnosed?” If anxiety and depression doesn’t look, sound, or feel like: having no will to get up in the morning every single day, finding yourself being afraid for no reason, crying late at night because you don’t see yourself as important, feeling sad or down and you don’t know why, or looking at yourself in the mirror and you see yourself looking back at you and thinking about everything, then I don’t know. The honest truth about anxiety and depression is that we don’t need it but it needs us. And we don’t know why. We really don’t. I want to get professional help, I do.
I can’t promise anything but I know it gets better every day. This I know.
I’m taking baby steps in understanding this illness because I know that I can still control my life. What I did was, I signed up at 7 Cups (you can download it on the app store for free!), started reading books again, and decided to put up a blog where I can write my thoughts and be honest about my feelings. In my little space in the internet, I’ll be posting self-care tips, monthly playlist to help me (and you) get through the month, some writings, reviews, and the places I’ve been to.
The purpose of this blog is to help myself re-connect with myself and see the good in everything. I want to be reminded that there is joy and love even in the simplest thing. I can’t promise myself anything but I know it gets better every day. This I know.
There’s no point in letting ourselves get stuck in life because of the things we can’t change or the sad truths that make us think that we’re not enough. There’s a big world out there and there’s a lot of things to divert our attention to instead of feeling sorry wishing we could change the past just to make things right. It’s not right to treat ourselves like trash every day by waiting for inspiration to knock us off on my feet so we can finally start creating and living. It’s time to get out to the world and be present. I know I can and I will survive this journey. And I know you will, too.